In Western societies, particularly in the United States (US) and in our own United Kingdom (UK), romance is an in-your-face concept. Songs describe never-ending love and television shows like The Bachelor present a selection process that winnows candidates down to the perfect partner.
Even adverts promise love and joy if only you looked a certain way, did that thing or had this product. And let's not get into advice columns, horoscopes and social media, all of which tout the one true formula to win eternal love.
In Chinese society, romantic love is nowhere near so overt. That doesn't mean there's no romance to be found in this Middle Kingdom. Indeed, Chinese people love watching our romantic fare. Love, Actually and The Holiday are perennial Christmas favourites in China.
It's just that love in Chinese society is far more subtle and vastly different from the love expressions we're familiar with. It takes a bit of cultural competence to:
- interpret the language of love in China
- see the cultural relevance of declaring one's love
- understand the different ways Chinese people express love
- decode the unique expressions of Chinese love talk
By the way, it's not just romantic love that's different in China. Love between family members - parents towards their children and vice versa, is equally muted. One seldom hears a parent tell their child 'I love you!'. By no stretch of the imagination does that mean there is no love, as we'll discover.
Decoding Love Expressions in Mandarin
In my years of teaching in China, it never ceased to amaze me that my students described their return home for seasonal breaks in such sterile terms. Often, they weren't met at the train or bus station, or at the airport. Once they made their way to their house, there were no effusive outbursts of "We missed you so much!". Hugging and kissing featured not at all.
However, they were enveloped in the sounds and smells of home. One of their parents, Dad as often as Mum, would be bustling around the kitchen, preparing a homecoming feast. This chef might poke their head out of the kitchen to ask 你吃了吗？(nǐ chī le ma) - have you eaten?
This common greeting is a throwback to leaner times when people didn't have enough to eat. It speaks to the collective nature of Chinese culture and sets the tone for our love discussion.
Homecoming meals will typically feature the returning family member's favourite dishes. Once the table is set, assorted diners will ply the returnee's bowl with the most delectable morsels throughout the meal. Talk will revolve around school happenings - marks, teachers and events, but not personal feelings or experiences. Afterwards, the returnee will be urged to 休息一下 (Xiūxí yīxià) - to take a rest while mum and dad clean up.
What might seem like an antiseptic reception to us is a profound expression of love in China. Providing for and nurturing go far beyond the standard 这是我应该做的 (zhè shì wǒ yīnggāi zuò de) - 'this is what I should do'. This Chinese sentiment is a statement of moral duty but preparing loved ones' favourite dishes and asking about their lives represents an investment into their shared story.
After everyone has a bit of a rest - and probably generous helpings from the fruits and nuts plate, the family might head out for a walk. Dad might drape an arm over his son's shoulders while mum and daughter stroll arm-in-arm.
Physical love demonstrates along gender lines; you'll seldom see a father and daughter clinging together though their love runs just as deep. During these walks, family members will share personal anecdotes from their time apart.
The Cultural Significance of Saying 'I Love You' in Chinese
Most would agree that there's nothing more natural than a parent's love for their child. As you just read, Chinese parents express their love in pragmatic ways. Offering food, insisting on rest and exercising together are just some of the love signs. Others include anything from gifting a pair of socks to keeping their rooms tidy while they're away at school.
In Chinese culture, proving 'I love you' is more important than saying it. But the words exist so they must be used somewhere, right?
Typically, you'll hear them in songs such as the one above, by Zhao Benshan. It's a song about loving the land and its bounty, as well as one's home. If your ear is well trained in Mandarin, you'll hear him sing about 爱情 (àiqíng) - the feeling of love. Looking at the video's thumbnail, you may recognise those characters.
Expressions of love are usually indirect in Chinese culture. However, modern society has found ways to express romantic love that are unlike anything we Westerners might dream up. We'll cover some of those clever love expressions in this article's last segment.
Now, for another indirect declaration of love. This song describes a migrant worker leaving his lover behind to work in the big city. It expresses sorrow at the parting and the idea that they won't see each other for a whole year.
有没有人告诉你(我很爱你) (yǒu méiyǒu rén gàosù nǐ (wǒ hěn ài)) - has anyone told you (I love you very much), though dated, is still a perennial favourite. Note that he doesn't sing "Did I tell you...?" but "Has anyone told you...?" This song hints at the need for others to decode love signs and inform the beloved of their partner's depth of feeling. This too is standard in Chinese culture.
Different Ways to Express Affection in Mandarin
你不是真正的老孙！ 真正的老孙爱我！(Nǐ bùshì zhēnzhèng de lǎo sūn! Zhēnzhèng de lǎo sūn ài wǒ!) - You're not the real Lao Sun! The real Lao Sun loves me!
From the 2005 film Perhaps Love
Once you understand how to show love in Chinese culture, you begin to understand how deep films like Perhaps Love are. It's a story about two famous actors who knew each other way back when and the unwitting film director caught between them.
Lao Sun, the female lead, refuses to acknowledge her former lover. He's borne his love for her across the years and intends to refresh her memory of the time they'd spent together. By the film's end, each player realises that self-love must come before loving a partner.
This film and many other highlight the fact that Chinese men are not afraid of emotional displays. It's not uncommon for men to cry or rage over lost love or the longing for love. Once these men (find themselves fortunate to) have love, they show their affection in many adorable ways.
For instance, the pair might wear matching clothes while out and about. Such might be a tracksuit with a cute message or a cartoon character emblazoned across the shirt. At the very least, they'll wear matching shoes.
You'll see many men carry their partners' purses. Not just while the women are in the bathroom or skimming through clothing racks in a shop but as they walk down the street. Should the weather call for an umbrella, most often the man will shelter his partner. He'll also tie her shoes and adjust her clothing if needed.
How do women show love? They express their thanks and feelings in subtle ways. For example, they might brush their man's hair from his face or adjust his clothing. If he buys her food, she shares it with him. Women tend to foster togetherness; they're the ones who buy the matching clothes and shoes.
Older generations aren't quite as demonstrative. On the bus, you might see the wife secure a seat for her husband while she remains standing. He may or may not take her bag. However, you can see many such couples dance together in the parks or on the street corners in the evenings. Often, they wear blissful smiles as they waltz around.
Exploring Romantic Mandarin Phrases
I love you - 我爱你 is a bit forward for the cautious Chinese but 我喜欢你 (wǒ xǐhuān nǐ)- I like you is often how the romantic ball gets rolling. Before you know it, Chinese Valentine's Day is right around the corner and 520 is all over social media.
In Mandarin, 520 (五二零 - wǔ'èr líng) is tonally and phonetically similar to wǒ ài nǐ - I love you. Thus, this number serves as a romantic declaration, not merely to proclaim the date. Chinese Valentine's Day is on May 20th (5-20), making that number a perfect declaration of love.
Chinese romance isn't done playing with numbers yet. If you ever attend a Chinese wedding, don't be surprised to find the number 1314 posted somewhere. Once again, tonal and phonetic similarities give this phrase its romantic meaning. The number 一三一四 (yīsānyīsì) sounds like 一生一世 (yīshēng yīshì), meaning 'one life for all life'; in other words 'till death do us part'.
You may even see the two numbers together: 520-1314 - I love you for all life. Judging by all the pairs dancing in parks across China, these expressions aren't just clever frippery. Whether shown in numbers or in deeds, Chinese romantic partners have many ways to share their feelings.
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