Why do some people feel comfortable asking for help, while others prefer to fend for themselves? Why do some people approach conflict calmly, while others react with withdrawal or anxiety?
Many of these differences depend on our attachment style —the internal blueprint that guides how we approach others and how we respond to emotional closeness.
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and further explored by Mary Ainsworth, shows that early caregiving experiences profoundly influence the way we experience relationships.
According to psychology, there are four main attachment styles :
🟢 Safe
🔵 Avoidant
🟡 Anxious-ambivalent
🔴 Disorganised
Understanding your style isn’t about putting yourself in a box — it’s about recognising your patterns and learning how to build healthier, more conscious relationships.
Ready to find out your attachment style? Take our quiz below:
Quiz
Quiz :
What Is Attachment Style?
Attachment isn't just about romantic love: it's the foundation on which we all build meaningful bonds —with parents, friends, partners, or colleagues.
Attachment style is how we learn to perceive safety in relationships. If, as children, we felt someone was there for us, as adults, we will know how to ask for help and trust. If, however, support was inconsistent or absent, we might develop emotional defence strategies.
This pattern of trust – or caution – tends to repeat itself in adulthood, influencing friendships, family ties, and relationships.
The Four Attachment Styles
Each attachment style represents a different way of experiencing closeness and emotional dependence. None of them is "wrong": they are adaptations that, originally, helped us protect ourselves and survive emotionally.
A person can also reproduce different attachment styles depending on individual relationships, and in any case, our attachment style does not determine who we are and can be changed with therapy if it makes us unhappy.
People with secure attachment experience relationships with serenity and trust. They know how to ask for help when they need it and offer support without fear of losing their independence.
They recognise the value of connection but also of autonomy, communicate clearly, and address conflicts openly. They feel worthy of love and believe that others, in general, are trustworthy.
This balance arises from early experiences of
consistent, empathetic, and stable care, which teaches them that closeness is not a threat, but a resource.
The avoidant style often develops in contexts where independence was highly valued or where emotional expression was not welcomed. To protect themselves from rejection or disappointment, these people learn to rely only on themselves and limit their dependence on others. As adults, they tend to minimise their emotional needs and maintain control, avoiding showing vulnerability.
Emotional closeness can generate discomfort, pushing them to distance themselves or withdraw into silence. Behind this apparent self-sufficiency is often the fear of being hurt. Gradually opening up and learning to trust can transform distance into an authentic and mutual bond.
This style develops when caregivers have been inconsistent: sometimes present and affectionate, other times distracted or unpredictable. The child thus learns that to gain attention, they must intensify their demands, developing constant emotional tension.
As adults, those with an anxious-ambivalent style tend to experience relationships with passion but also fear. They desire closeness, but fear not being loved enough. Every small distance can feel like a sign of rejection, and the need for validation can become a source of stress for both partners.
These people love deeply and with dedication: learning to feel secure even without constant recognition is the key to living more peaceful relationships.
The disorganised style arises in situations where the caregiver has been both a source of love and fear. The child experiences conflict: they desire closeness, yet fear it. This paradox leaves a lasting mark on their experience of relationships.
As adults, those with this style alternate between moments of strong desire for intimacy and periods of emotional withdrawal and withdrawal. Emotions can be intense and contradictory: the person seeks protection but, at the same time, fears losing it.
Behind the confusion is often a deep emotional wound, which can be healed with time, awareness, and secure relationships. Recognising this ambivalence is the first step to building trust and stability.
How to recognise and transform your attachment style
Becoming aware of your attachment style doesn't mean you'll be permanently defined, but it does mean you can access greater emotional freedom. Understanding your relational patterns helps you choose more conscious responses instead of acting automatically.
1. Cultivate emotional awareness 🧠💗
Observing how we react to vulnerability is the first step.
Asking yourself, "What am I really feeling?" or "Am I reacting to the present or something from the past?" helps us name the emotions.
Awareness allows us to interrupt automatic patterns and build new relational habits.
2. Build safe relationships 🤝💝
Empathic and consistent relationships have a powerful, transformative power.
Being close to trustworthy people who listen without judgment teaches us that closeness can be safe.
3. Train emotional autonomy 💪💖
Being independent doesn't mean denying the needs of others, but knowing how to balance closeness and freedom. Healthy autonomy comes from inner security: knowing that, even if the other person distances themselves, we remain whole.
Neuroscience has shown that the brain retains the capacity for change throughout life. This means that attachment styles are not immutable: they can evolve through awareness, introspection, and positive relational experiences.
Each new secure bond helps build a more stable perception of oneself and the world.
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