Few things in life are more scary than the trip back from school knowing you’re packing an explosive school report hot enough to have you grounded until the next millennium.

Report card blog

If you’re unlucky enough to have the report sent directly to your home you may not even get the chance to have a sneaky peek before your parents do, so you’re going to need a few excuses lined up as to why it’s not your fault the report’s a stinker.

With tongue firmly in cheek, here’s my top ten excuses for getting out of a bad school report.

It Wasn’t Me: Blame the class clown – every school has one and if you don’t know who it is in yours then the chances are it’s you, and that might explain the bad report. Saying that you were distracted all year after being sat next to the oddball might just shift some of the heat.

Infamy, Infamy, They’ve All Got It In For Me: If blaming your fellow classmates isn’t going to wash, go straight to the source and blame the teacher. Try saying they have a personal vendetta against you and no matter how hard you’ve tried, they were never going to give you a fair report. Chances are your parents had a few teachers like that back in the Stone Age and their nostalgic sympathy may rise to the surface.

Good Cop / Bad Cop: It’s a fact that we all secretly have a favourite parent, usually based on the length of their tether. It’s also a fact that they secretly have favourites too. Seek out the milder of manner and show them the report first, you might just get away with it being our little secret.

Secret Genius: So the report’s dropped through the letterbox and quick as a flash a couple of stern looking parents have you sat at the table to explain yourself. Try claiming that your studies fell behind because you’ve secretly been learning a new language, a musical instrument or how to dance. Said excuse will require a passable demonstration, mind, so make sure you know enough stuff; it’ll melt their hearts.

Seen To Be Bereaved: The passing of a much-loved family pet is always a sad occasion and one likely to play on your mind for a while. It’s quite natural for your school work to have suffered after the tragedy that took Tiddles, the gangrene that got the gerbil or the murder that mangled the mouse.

It’s All About Timing: If you’ve been sent packing with a dodgy report and need time to formulate an excuse try to employ a delaying tactic. Your parents will know the report is due so plan something in that’ll keep you out of the way until bedtime – after school club, friends house; anything to keep out of sight. Just before you go to bed produce the report then hop it – it’ll buy you some time to think of something and give them some time to cool off.

Do The Ground Work: Had a bad year and know there’s a rubbish report on the horizon? Get your excuses in early – the classroom’s too small, the teaching’s too bad, the work is too hard – whatever you can think of, a month of moaning will soften the blow.

The Love Bug: Gross as it may be, claiming you’ve been absent minded due to some fine filly or handsome lad could just work – don’t forget your parents were in love once too and know the score. As with most of these excuses, a sound working knowledge of acting skills will come in handy for this one.

Pull A Sickie: Yeah, it’s getting the old sympathy card out the bag again but it’s worth a try, it’s difficult to be angry at anyone who’s ill, let alone someone who feels as bad as you do…

It Never Happened: It’s a little risky and definitely a last resort, but intercepting the post and destroying the evidence could get you off the hook. It’ll take quite some effort to steer conversations away from school, grades and anything else that’ll trigger uncomfortable questions, and this could get you in a lot of trouble so be warned.

Of course, the best thing to do is come clean and talk to your parents about the areas you’re struggling in and any other problems that might be affecting your school work. We all have difficulty from time to time and none of us are perfect, work hard and you’ll get there 🙂

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Laura

Laura is a Francophile with a passion for literature and linguistics. She also loves skiing, cooking and painting.